


Like I'm Gonna Lose You

by JerichoAkiyama0



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: James Vega has PTSD, M/M, MEPolyWeek, Multi, Poly Relationship, Polyamory, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romance, Songfic, Threesome - M/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-25
Updated: 2017-05-25
Packaged: 2018-11-04 17:27:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10995555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JerichoAkiyama0/pseuds/JerichoAkiyama0
Summary: James has PTSD, but can't bring himself to accept that fact. It takes some tough love from his family to make him realize that he needs help. Not knowing who to turn two, he turns to the only two men he felt held the answers he needed. And, it turned into something far more than he could have ever expected.





	Like I'm Gonna Lose You

**Author's Note:**

> This is my little piece for MEPolyWeek over on Tumblr! I'd like to thank ellebeedarling (https://ellebeedarling.tumblr.com/) for being a big inspiration to keep writing, and for being just an awesome person! The song used is "Like I'm Gonna Lose You," which you can listen to here:
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2-MBfn8XjIU
> 
> All rights to the song belong to those who wrote/preformed it.

He’d never allowed himself to dream. Not really. During the war, he’d seen so many people die. People he’d become close to. Though he had made it out the other side, he knew he’d have scars that would need healing. Both physical and mental. He knew those that had survived would also have them, but he was a man of action, like the Commander. Like the Major. He didn’t  _ want  _ to have problems. He didn’t  _ want  _ help with his problems.

 

He was  _ normal. _

 

But he could never lie to his  _ abuela.  _ Or his  _ tio. _

 

They knew that something was wrong with him. His temper was worse than ever. He was more brash, more willing to take risks. He’d worry his family when he started drinking. But he didn’t know what else to do. He didn’t know how to handle the nightmares that came to him at night. Didn’t know how to deal with the terror he felt at night when he would see red lights, or a strange sound.

 

He knew he needed help, but who would be willing to lend it?

 

***

 

He never imagined he’d know what peace felt like. He never allowed himself to feel it. Not really. His whole life, from living on the streets, to fighting the Reapers, he’d never allowed himself to indulge in feeling peace.

 

But then Kaidan had walked into his life.

 

From the moment he met the man on the original Normand, he’d felt drawn to those whiskey colored eyes. The sound of that rough, yet gentle voice. Everytime he was near the man, he felt a warmth blossom in his chest. Kaidan made it so easy to fall for him. And so they began to see each other. Even after Ash died, they stayed together. Her death made them realize that life was short, and that as the war escalated, one or both would not make it to the other side.

 

So he proposed to him, just before they made the final push to end Saren’s assault.

 

They had begun preparations for their wedding, when he was called to investigate Collector activity.

 

And that’s when he died.

 

Alone in the emptiness of space.

 

His last thought was of Kaidan’s smiling face.

 

Two years would pass before he had another conscious thought. He’d been brought back from the dead thanks to Cerberus. He’d agreed to accept their help, since they had been the only group willing to believe Shepard. But it had cost him so many things.

 

Namely Kaidan.

 

He’d nearly lost him again on Mars, after they’d begun to work through their issues. He made sure to visit his fiance every time he stopped by the Citadel, and after talking things out, they rekindled their relationship. They got married just before they made the final push.

 

Shepard felt like his world was falling apart when he made Kaidan get back on the Normandy. He wanted desperately to just forsake everything to be with the man he loved. To be with his husband. But he leapt into that light, because Kaidan’s life was the single most important thing in the universe.

 

They thought he had died again.

 

After the Normandy had returned to Earth, Kaidan and several others dove into the debris field. It took them almost a week to find them, and by then most had given up. But not Kaidan. It was his face that he saw first when they had removed the rubble that had nearly killed him.

 

It was the first he saw when he woke, and the last before he fell asleep.

 

***

 

He never thought he’d come to understand the true meaning of love. Not really. Even during his young teenaged love at JumpZero, he realized that that wasn’t what love was. It was just his selfish attempt at trying not to feel like a freak. He would later realize all of this, and then ask a dead girl for her forgiveness.

 

But love was something he felt when he saw sapphire eyes cast a gentle smile his direction. He didn’t know when he’d fallen for the man. At first, he wasn’t sure if what he was feeling for Shepard was lust, or actual love. The man certainly seemed larger than life from afar. But when you were up close and personal with him, he was a force of nature unto himself. He’d left himself get swept up in the tide that was John Shepard, and never regretted a single moment. 

 

After they had defeated Saren, they began to make wedding arrangements. It had been the happiest he’d ever seen Shepard. It was rather infectious, and Kaidan couldn’t help but feed off of that joy.

 

But then he died.

 

For two years, he had tried valiantly to put his life back together. He tried to live as he had hoped that the love of his life had wanted him to. But there had been nights where he sat alone in his apartment, an empty bottle of liquor not too far from him. He wore the wedding ring that John had given him, and never removed it. He felt like he would never recover from losing the man.

 

And then he saw him. Alive on Horizon.

 

He was equal parts elated and horrified. Because here he was, a few extra scars, but it was him. Or so he thought. When he learned he was working for Cerberus, all he could see was red. He felt betrayed. Violated, almost, by the man’s actions. It was like the universe brought Shepard back as an affront to his pain. He lashed out, and left him there. He didn’t dare turn back, knowing that if he did, he’d see the pained look on Shepard’s face, and his resolve would crumble.

 

When he had learned that Shepard had turned himself in, he thought about reaching out to him. But the pain had been too raw. Still too close to him to make him want to reach out. So he stayed away.

 

But then the Reapers attacked. And then Mars. It had made him realize that there were things far more important than dwelling on things of the past. He feared the future, for it was so unpredictable. But he did know one thing:

 

He would face the Devil himself, so long as John Shepard was by his side.

 

***

 

Bacon.

 

That was the first thing his sleepy consciousness became aware of. It curled around him with its delicious aroma, like a warm blanket gently caressing his skin. It drew a smile across his face, and he sleepily rolled out of bed, making his way downstairs.

 

And there was James, just in boxers. His hips were wiggling to a tune he was humming as he worked his magic at the stove. He’d taken to cooking breakfast ever since he had moved in all those months ago, a broken shell of his former self. He’d let his beard grow in, highlighting the angle of his strong jaw.

 

“You’re staring,  _ cariño,” _

 

Kaidan chuckled, walking fully into the kitchen. “Guilty as charged.”

 

“Breakfast’ll be ready in 5.” He turned and smiled over his shoulder at Kaidan, before turning his attention back to his cooking.

 

“Do you need anything? Any help?”

 

For a moment, Kaidan thought he’d overstepped James's boundaries. But when the big man chuckled, he knew he was in the clear.

 

“How ‘bout you set the table? Oh, and don’t forget Shepard’s meds.”

 

“Or your own.”

 

James sighed, his shoulders slumping a bit. “Or mine.”

 

At first, James had flat out refused to seek any sort of help. John and Kaidan had initially stopped insisting, not wanting to push the younger man too far. But when he’d nearly given Kaidan a heart attack after catching him prowling around the house one night, they’d given him a choice: Either seek help, or move out. It had pained them to do such a thing, especially after seeing the tortured expression on his face. But they made sure to make him know that they were there for him.

 

He started going, reluctantly at first. He’d walk into the office, count all the ways in and out, and made sure to always sit with his back to the wall. James had wanted John or Kaidan with him, but they would just sit outside in the waiting room. That alone was enough to keep him from bolting. Well, at first: On one of his first appointments, his anxiety had built up so quickly that before either man knew what was happening, James was running for the door. Their Alliance training kicking in, Shepard and Kaidan both leapt out of their seats and tackled the fleeming man to the ground. He thrashed wildly, hurling Spanish insults at both men. It took a right hook from John to get him to snap out of it (Security had been called, but had backed off when they saw who was handling the situation.)

 

Weeks later, after a few sessions, and having been prescribed antidepressants, he thanked them for that.

 

He still didn’t like taking them, but he had to agree, they did help.

 

As days turned to weeks, and then into months, the three men fell into a very surreal routine of domesticity that neither had realized, until one of their old friends pointed it out: Shepard did the yard work, tended to the orchard on Kaidan’s family’s farm. Kaidan took care of the finances, appointments, and the shopping. And James did the cooking, cleaning, and the laundry. It had come as such a surprise to all three, that they had to have a serious talk about what had been developing. Kaidan and John were married, and happily so. But they had to admit, that James had started slipping into their orbit without either man realizing it. And James had to admit that he’d started developing feelings for both men.

 

They took it slowly, at first. Testing the waters, as it were. They’d lost some of that warm familiarity that they had initially enjoyed, because now they were all unsure how to approach the other. Kaidan, being the more practical of the three, decided that they would go out on a date, in an attempt to get to know each other all over again. John and James weren’t too sure how that would work, but they were pleasantly surprised all the same after a round of successful dates.

 

Soon, they’re lives once again attained that wonderful feeling of  _ belonging _ that they all shared. Yes, there were arguments. And the occasional squabble. But that was their life. While James hadn’t said the  _ “L”  _ Word to them yet, they didn’t mind. They were content to just let him know that they loved him by simply supporting him.

 

“Hey, none of that, big man,” Kaidan walked up to the larger man and hugged him around the middle, kissing his bare shoulder, “You know they help you, keep you grounded.”

 

“Funny, I thought that was you and the  _ jefe  _ that did that,” He chuckled.

 

Before Kaidan could respond, another body pressed up against his back, soft lips trailing kisses across his shoulder that made him shiver. “We do,” Shepard murmured. Quick as lightning, he snatched a piece of bacon off the pan. Since Kaidan had been holding onto James, the big man couldn’t turn around to smack him.

 

“Hey! None of that,  _ hermoso!” _

 

Shepard only laughed, munching away at the piece of crunchy meat. “You’ll have to try harder next time, then.”

 

After that playful exchange, the three men settled down to eat. It was Sunday, which meant that it was their day to go into town to do some shopping for the rest of the week. They tried to keep Sundays for themselves, since Shepard still had dealings off-world, and Kaidan still reported to Admiral Hackett now and again. James had put off going to N-School, until he felt he was more mentally prepared for the rigorous training that was waiting for him.

 

The first stop of the day after washing up and getting ready was to go get new jackets. Winter was coming to the North, and Kaidan wanted to pick up new winter coats for the three of them. Both John and James protested, but the older man put his foot down. Also, he promised them a ‘ _ happy ending’ _ later that night. Next was a trip to their local pharmacist, since Kaidan needed a refill of his migraine management medication, and both Shepard and James needed refills for their meds, too.

 

They took a slight detour to grab some lunch at a local cafe that James enjoyed. Both older men were surprised that, for all his bluster and pomp, James quite enjoyed little things like quiet cafes, or long walks in the park. Kaidan had teased him, because Shepard was the same way - The Commander thoroughly enjoyed baking and gardening.- and often enjoyed days just lazing about under the shade of the trees in their backyard.

 

Lunch finished, they went around town, picking up this or that as they needed. They even took a trip out to the wharf to pick up some fish for later in the week. Since James did most of the cooking, he promised he’d make something with the pound of shrimp they bought. They were tempted to make one last stop before going to the grocery store, but John’s energy was starting to dwindle, so they just opted to order their groceries over the extranet and have them delivered tomorrow.

 

When they arrived home, Kaidan helped John upstairs and let him sleep, while James went about making dinner.

 

_ “ _ _ ¿Cómo se siente?”  _ He asked, looking up from the cutting board as Kaidan walked in.

 

“He’s tired.” The older man sighed, “I guess today really took it out of him.”

 

James nodded, chopping some vegetables for a stew he was working on.

 

The older man came up behind him, wrapping his arms around his middle again. “How are you doing? After the-”

 

James tensed. “Don’t.”

 

“James...”

 

The younger man slammed the knife down onto the cutting board, body shaking. “Please,  _ no hables de eso. Por favor.”  _ James only really spoke in Spanish when his emotions were running high, either positively or negatively.

 

At the grocery store, at the checkout, the red light from the scanner triggered James. He’d started shaking, his hand reaching for a gun he didn’t have. John was quick to catch on before it escalated into something more by clasping his hands and slapping them together. It brought James back, but the ordeal had left both men drained.

 

The older man sighed, holding James’ shaking body.

 

_ “I found myself dreaming, _

_ In silver and gold; _

_ Like a scene from a movie, _

_ That every broken heart knows _

_ We were walking in moonlight, _

_ And you pulled me close. _

_ Split second and you disappeared and then I was all alone.” _

 

James stopped shaking when he heard Kaidan sing. It was rare when he did, but it always seemed to help calm his nerves.

 

_ “I woke up in tears, _

_ With you by my side _

_ A breath of relief, _

_ And i realized... _

_ No, we’re not promised tomorrow,” _

 

The older man started to sway gently, never letting go of the much larger one.

 

_ “So I’m gonna love you, _

_ Like I’m gonna lose you _

_ I’m gonna hold you _

_ Like I’m sayin goodbye. _

_ Wherever we’re standing _

_ I won’t take you for granted _

_ ‘Cause we’ll never know when _

_ When we’ll run out of time _

_ So I’m gonna love you _

_ Like I’m gonna lose you _

_ I’m gonna love you like I’m gonna lose you,” _

 

The younger man felt warmth bloom in his chest. It felt like a small sun had appeared there, radiating outwards with the warmth of love that he could feel coming from Kaidan. He gripped the older man’s hands in his own, starting to sway with him.

 

**_*In the blink of an eye,_ **

**_Just whisper of smoke_ **

**_You could lose everything_ **

**_The truth is you never know,*_ **

 

Kaidan and James looked up in surprise when they heard Shepard sing, both astounded that he could hold a tune. He walked over to both of his lovers, keeping James in the middle.

 

**_*So I’ll kiss you longer, baby,_ **

**_Any chance that I get_ **

**_I’ll make the most of the minutes and love with no regrets.*_ **

 

James smiled, his eyes starting to prickle as they started twirling right there in the kitchen. He could feel the love from both men now, and it was perhaps the single most beautiful thing in the known universe.

 

**_*Let’s take our time_ **

**_To say what we want_ **

**_Use what we got_ **

**_Before it’s all gone_ **

**_‘Cause no, we’re not promised tomorrow..*_ **

 

Even Kaidan’s eyes began to prickle with tears. He could hear the depth of John’s love for the two of them, for he and James. It was all encompassing, like a warm blanket that just washed over him and kept him safe and warm. James wasn’t able to hold back, a few tears escaping as he wrapped one arm around Shepherd's waist and used the other to hold Kaidan’s hand.

 

**_~*So I’m gonna love you,_ **

**_Like I’m gonna lose you,_ **

**_I’m gonna hold you,_ **

**_Like I’m saying ‘goodbye,’_ **

**_Wherever we’re standing_ **

**_I won’t take you for granted_ **

**_‘Cause we’ll never know when_ **

**_When we’ll run out of time_ **

**_So I’m gonna love you_ **

**_Like I’m gonna lose you_ **

**_I’m gonna love you like I’m gonna lose you*~_ **

 

The younger man choked on a sob as he let his lovers hold him as they sang. He couldn’t understand how to of the most perfect men could have fallen for someone broken like him. But then, as they sang, he came to realize that they were broken, just like him. It was only with their love that they were able to pull themselves back together. His voice rose to join theirs, and the three of them could have drowned the world with their love.

 

**_~ >*I’m gonna love you,_ **

**_Like I’m gonna lose you,_ **

**_I’m gonna hold you_ **

**_Like I’m saying ‘goodbye’_ **

**_Wherever we’re standing_ **

**_I won’t take you for granted_ **

**_Because we’ll never know when_ **

**_When we’ll run out of time_ **

**_So I’m gonna love you_ **

**_Like I’m gonna lose you_ **

**_I’m gonna love you like I’m gonna lose you...* <~_ **

 

They clung to each other, breaths thick with emotion. They kissed each other tenderly, whispering soft words. After a few minutes of just standing there, holding each other, James was the one that broke the silence.

 

“I love you...Both you,”

 

Both older men felt their hearts swell a thousand times over. It brought fresh tears to their eyes as the each took turns kissing him. Neither could put into words how much joy they were both feeling. And judging by the enormous smile on James’ face, he was experiencing the same.

 

John broke away from the other two, and reached into the back pocket of his pants and produced a small black box.

 

“I - _ we- _ waited until the time was right to do this, and I guess tonight seems to be right,”

 

James started shaking again in Kaidan’s arms. To him, if it weren’t for the man holding him, he’d be flying apart at the seams.

 

“We want you to be part of this, a part of us.” Kaidan said softly, kissing the younger man’s neck. “If you’re willing..”

 

“I’m more than willing.” There was so much love and conviction in his voice, it reaffirmed what both Kaidan and John felt.

 

Quietly, Shepard opened the box. Inside were three rings made of some type of black alloy. Inlayed into it were three stones; Blue, white, and red. Shepard slipped first one ring onto Kaidan’s left hand, where it sat just above his silver wedding ring, the he slipped the other onto James’ ring finger before he finally slipped his own on.

 

“Dinner can wait,” The First Human Spectre said with a soft growl, eyes twinkling.

 

“Dessert?”

 

“Dessert.”

 

Clothing was discarded in every direction as all three men fell into each other. They made love well into the predawn hours. They stayed a tangle of limbs even as the first rays of morning sunlight began to crest over the horizon. Only when neither of them could continue did they sleep. They stayed that way for hours, sleeping.

 

It was the first time sleep came to James without a single nightmare.


End file.
